Operation Romance
by Violet Waller
Summary: Sirius, Remus and Peter decide to take matters into their own hands in helping James and Lily get together. The plan? Sobering spells, polyjuice potion, veritaserum drinking games, and love potions. Is this a match made in marauding heaven or hell?
1. The Clumsy Pickup Lines of Bighead Boy

**Chapter One:**  
** The Clumsy Pickup Lines of Bighead Boy**

**  
**It was just another day in Potions. The only entertainment was the occasional prank on Snape and James making a fool of himself in front of Lily. The man seemed to be going for some world record. From what he could hear, Peter could tell that this was not going to be James Potter's lucky day.

"All right, Evans?" James called to her in an unnaturally low, deep voice. Peter assumed James was going for matured and sexy, but it came off a little raspy and full of phlegm. Lily pretended he wasn't behind her. James, a little dejected, began helping Remus cut up the valerian roots and dropped it into their cauldron. Sirius and Peter, who were sitting behind James, shared a look between them, suppressing a laugh.

"Ten minutes till next clumsy pickup line," Sirius said under his breath to Peter.

Peter grinned, "Bet you seven knuts he'll try sooner."

Sure enough, James cleared his throat, and spoke out to Lily in less than a minute. James called out loudly, "So, Lils, how about that Quidditch match between Hufflepuff and Gryffindor next weekend? Feel like cheering me on?"

Sirius peered round Remus in front of him to see Lily squaring her shoulders, suppressing rage which James would have naturally confused for lust. James groaned in frustration at Lily ignoring him. James looked around, thinking fast. Suddenly, struck with a brilliant idea, James made a mad dash to the supply room, and came back with bottles of leeches.. James gave Remus an evil smirk, and Remus' eyes widened. Remus threw his body over the cauldron, shielding it from James' bright idea, while James tried to pry him away from it.

Remus implored him, "No, Prongs! I'm failing! Please!"

"Come on, Moony! Live a little! Besides, Evans will fix it!" James gave one final tug and pulled Remus away from the cauldron. He dumped the contents of the slimy bottle into their cauldron, which made it hiss and spark. Remus turned in his chair to give an exasperated look to Sirius, who just grinned.

James waited a moment, before his grand act to get Lily to speak him again, "Er … Evans, it looks like my Potion isn't turning lavender yet, what did I do wrong?" James asked, feigning concern over his purposefully botched experiment.

Unexpectedly, Lily turned around patiently.

James gave her a cocky grin. "Knew you couldn't resist my charm, Evans. So how's about that Quidditch match next Sunday? I'll let you wear my Captain's badge. I just polished it." He reached down to his robes, unpinning the broomstick badge and winking at her. But Remus knew enough of Lily's temper to hit his head repeatedly on the desk. James looked confusedly down at his Potions partner, who was giving himself a concussion, when Lily walked slowly up to him dangerously. Her green eyes were blazing with rage, and her hands were clenched at her sides.

She was inches from James' nose, and she said angrily, "You are the most infuriating, self-centered, obnoxious, repulsive _worm _I have ever had the misfortune to meet. Ruining Remus' potion just so you could ask me out, you're DISGUSTING! If you ever – ever so much as look in my direction again, I will hex you so badly you'll wish you'd never met me!" She turned swiftly back to her desk.

James held up his hands, "Easy, Evans. I just –"

"Don't!" She turned around, her red hair whipping furiously, "Ten points from Gryffindor for misuse of potions ingredients! Five points for disrupting the class! Fifteen points for ruining another student's potion!" She was pointing her wand at James, sparks flying from it. Her eyes were threatening him to make her angrier.

Sirius whistled. Remus was casting furtive glances at James, willing him to stop, but James didn't catch on.

James protested angrily, "You can't do that to me, Evans! I'm Head Boy!" But still looking impressed at Lily's cheek, James said cockily, "All right, Evans, we'll play that game." He lowered his voice to a deep growl, "Fifty points to Gryffindor because you're gorgeous when you're angry. A hundred points for that sexy hair flip just now–"

Peter just couldn't look anymore. This was only going to get ugly. Lily was getting so angry; it was almost as if she was growing taller. James cowered. Both he and Lily were oblivious to Slughorn behind them, who was inspecting the Potions of the students in the front of the class.

"FIFTY POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR BECAUSE I CAN"T STAND YOU AND YOUR FAKE, OVERBLOWN, SNOTTY VOICE!" Lily shrieked.

"I'll stop doing that voice if you'll go out with me." James said simply.

She growled angrily. She turned on her heel furiously, reaching for her heavy book _Advanced Potion-Making_ on her desk, and she began swatting him over the head with it.

"Ow! Evans! Stop!' James said, holding an arm over his head, trying to run away from her.

"Don't EVER ask me out again, Potter, or you'll live to regret it!" She shrieked, grabbing her books, throwing her bag over her shoulder, and stormed out the dungeon.

The class was silent.

Suddenly, Slughorn chortled merrily, "Ah, young love!" He walked over to James, who was massaging his bruised head, "Don't worry, m'boy," He said, patting James' shoulder sympathetically, "The lady doth protest too much." Slughorn tapped the side of his nose meaningfully.

Slughorn walked over to Lily and Marlene's potion, inspecting it, "Another perfect concoction! Tell Ms. Evans that she is looking at a bright apprenticeship at Slug and Jiggers' Apothecary." He said to Marlene, who nodded quickly.

He peered over at James and Remus' hissing potion and recoiled. "What in Merlin's name is this?" Slughorn pulled out a shriveled leech sticking to the side of the cauldron, looking at it in bewilderment. He walked away from their table disappointingly. Remus gave James a withering look, and James had the good sense to look ashamed.

Sirius leaned over his table, tapping James on the shoulder, "You know, Prongs, Evans was right. Your 'Lily Voice' has got to go."

James turned around to Sirius, ignoring his advice, "I don't understand her. One minute she's all over me, and the next minute she's cursing me to oblivion."

Peter looked confused, "When was she ever all over you?"

Sirius chortled.

James continued to talk to thin air, his eyes slightly glazed, as if talking about some delicious dessert, "Evans ... she's so ... And her hair! Her hair ... it's so … so … "

"… Red?" Sirius provided helpfully, but James was too thick in passion to hear anything.

James continued, ignoring the corporeal world around him, "And her eyes – her gorgeous, green eyes! She's so mysterious. She's so … saucy."

Remus raised an eyebrow, "Did he just say saucy?"

Peter nodded.

They could hear Slughorn vaguely dismissing the class behind them. The Marauders emptied their cauldrons, and made their way out the dungeons to the Common Room. Walking lazily, James was still staring blankly ahead.

He sighed, "When will she realize that we're supposed to be together? Time's running out. I'm not going to be this good-looking all the time. Sooner or later, my looks and charms will go …"

Remus laughed, "And all that will be left is the Potter inheritance and your nicked Quidditch paraphernalia. However will you carry on?"

James grinned. Suddenly, he leaned in, almost as if whispering a secret, "You know, when she yells at me," He said in a low voice, "It's all I can do not to snog her senseless right there."

"We know." The three said in bored unison.

"Damn," James muttered suddenly, stopping in his tracks to look at his watch. "I've got Quidditch practice! I'll see you later!" He ran down the hall and out of sight.

The three of them stopped, staring off at where he had just disappeared.

"He's got it bad." Peter said.

"It's only getting worse." Sirius said.

"And she's getting angrier." Remus said.

There was a pause.

"We've got to do something." Sirius whispered feverishly, his eyes dancing with excitement. He looked at Remus, who was backing away slowly. "Nothing illegal, Moony," Sirius barked, pulling Remus back by the collar before he got away, "Just something to help our little pronged friend along."

"Do I have to be part of this?" Remus sulked.

"Yes!" Sirius said emphatically, "Why Moons, you know you're the brains of this outfit! We couldn't go on without you!"

Remus narrowed his eyes, but there was a smile creeping on his lips.

Peter's eyes were bright with mischief, "All right, then, what's the plan?"

"You'll see." Sirius said with a wink, "Meet me tonight behind the statue of the One-Eyed Witch. But I've got to go to Hogsmeade first – store up on some supplies from the Apothecary. Remember to nick Prong's cloak, all right, Wormtail?"

Remus chuckled suddenly, "You can't help looking out for your mates, can you?" He ruffled up Sirius' hair, "Admit it, It isn't so bad using your evil powers to help another wizard in distress, is it?"

Sirius laughed, slipping out from under Remus, "I don't know what you're talking about. I'm only doing this for a laugh. And we'll be sure to have some fun ourselves during Operation Bighead Boy!"

Remus threw up his hands in defeat, though he was in good spirits, "You'll never change, will you?"

"NEVER!" Sirius barked, as he ran down the hall.

As they walked to their common room, Remus exhaled sharply to Peter, "Tell me I'm not going to regret this, Wormtail."

Peter laughed, "You'll see, Moony, this is going to be one for the history books!"

"Yes," Remus said sardonically, "Getting James Potter and Lily Evans together ... mission: completely impossible."

Peter didn't say anything, even if agreed with Remus on that. This was going to be their most difficult task ... even harder to pull off than that time they tried to convince McGonagall that Dumbledore's socks were eating the missing scones from the kitchens when it was really Peter.

"I wonder what stupid tricks Sirius has up his sleeve," Remus mused, bringing Peter out of his thoughts, "Knowing Sirius, they must be really, really, really, _really _stupid."

Peter grinned, "You're not afraid of what Lily would do to us if she found out, are you?"

Remus stopped, "How'd you know?"

"A rat's instinct," Peter shrugged. "Don't worry, once she's in love with James, she won't mind at all that we meddled around in their romance."

Remus sighed, "I always knew we were going to get killed by her." He shrugged, as if giving up, "But if we're going down, we'd better go down in style, right?"

Peter slapped Remus on the back, "There! That's the spirit!"

* * *


	2. Sobering Prongs

**

* * *

**

Chapter Two:

Sobering Prongs

or

Operation Getting James to Shut Up About Lily

* * *

  


That night, Remus and Peter made their way to the statue of the One-Eyed Witch under James' invisibility cloak. James had Transfiguration homework to catch up on after Quidditch practice, so he barely noticed them leaving the Common Room. Sirius had been gone that whole afternoon to Hogsmeade, and Remus knew how dangerous it was. He tried warning him but that only served to incite Sirius further to rebellion, so Remus knew to keep his conscious quiet around the Marauders.

Peter and Remus waited for Sirius for what seemed like ages. The window across from them showed the dark night sky blotted with stars, and the corridors were cold and windy. Peter pulled out a tattered book from his pockets and began to read it surreptitiously.

"What's that?" Remus asked curiously.

Peter grinned. "Mother reads these all the time. Here, have a look. Reckon it might help us in the plan?" Peter handed the book to Remus.

Remus looked at the worn cover. There was a moving picture of a long-haired muscled man, open-shirted, holding a woman in a flowing nightgown. She held a half-bitten apple in her right hand.

"Romance novels?" Remus asked skeptically, handing the book back to Peter, "I dunno, mate, James has the unrealistic expectations market cornered. No need to give him fodder for more daydreams."

Suddenly, there was a sound of grinding stone behind them. They turned to see the hump of the One-Eyed Witch disappear and Sirius climb out disheveled holding a rucksack.

"What's in there?" Peter asked curiously as Sirius slipped under the invisibility cloak with them.

"I'll show you in a bit ... but first - to the abandoned girls' bathroom!" Sirius commanded with a flourish, and they shuffled through the corridor quickly as possible.

"All right," Sirius said, once they were sitting in a corner of the bathroom. "First order of business, we've got to get James out of his obsession. Let Lily see him act normally for a change - You know, let her get to know the James we know ... Or the James we used to know before he went all mental." He said with a hint of bitterness.

"You mean let her get to know the James that pines all night and sings about her shimmering crimson locks?" Peter asked sarcastically, and Sirius laughed.

"You know, that's actually not a bad idea, Padfoot." Remus said with a resolute nod.

"You actually think this will work?" Peter asked with a raised eyebrow at Remus.

"I don't know! Maybe! We could try it! I mean - I miss the Old Prongs!" Remus said dejectedly. The three of them suddenly looked forlorn and wistful, as they stared sadly at the bidet across them.

"You know, I can't remember a time when he didn't prattle on an on about Evans." Sirius huffed, sounding bored at the thought.

"I'm getting sick of it myself." Peter added.

"Which is why I propose," Sirius paused for effect, "slipping Prongs a Sobering Tonic."

Peter looked confused, "But he's not drunk."

Sirius waited as Peter paused to think, "Of course! You're right - it'll work! He's as good as drunk!"

Remus thought for a minute, "But how will we get it? Pomfrey doesn't make them. And most of the ingredients for a Sobering Tonic are restricted to St. Mungo's personnel."

Sirius grinned, "Not if you can charm the girl in the Apothecary to sell them to you." He pulled out a yellow vial from his sack, "Essence of Rue – from the powdered flowers – used in sobering potions. A Class-A-Non-Tradeable unless you're St. Mungo's personnel or the sexiest wizard alive," Sirius grinned, "We can get the deflating draught from Slughorn's store room. Finish it off with some syrup of Hellebore, to calm his nerves, and we'll barely recognize him!"

"I dunno," Peter said, biting his lip, "I don't think experimenting with potions is going to go very well. It's not like we're Snape. What if James gets hurt? Let's just make the regular Sobering Tonic and not add all the Hellebore stuff and complicate it."

Sirius pouted. "Give me some credit, Wormtail, It's not like they're combustible when combined! I checked! James will be fine. Trust me. It's not like we're giving him a Hate Potion for Evans – though we should. It's just a harmless tonic that will clear his head."

Remus, meanwhile, was rummaging around in Sirius' bag. "What all the rest of this stuff?" Remus asked confusedly, pulling out strange bottles, jars, vials, and tablets.

Sirius snatched the bag from Remus, and smirked, "That is for me to know and you to find out."

Remus and Peter rolled their eyes.

"All right," Peter said, "Let's get this over with. When are we slipping it to him?"

"Erm … Maybe Breakfast tomorrow?" Remus suggested, "In his pumpkin juice. We can brew it tonight. Merlin knows I can't stand Prongs make a fool of himself any longer."

Sirius beamed, "Moony my friend, you are coming along nicely. You're my favorite prefect turned villain!"

Smilingly, Remus shook his head.

* * *

**The Next Morning**

* * *

James was sitting to Breakfast with Remus and Frank Longbottom when Sirius and Peter appeared through the doorways. The Great Hall was bright with sunlight, there were a few owls swooping in with the morning papers, and many students were furiously eating.

"Morning, Frank," Sirius said, sliding into a seat next to Remus. He looked at James, who was grinning madly, "You seem in a good mood, Prongs."

James beamed, "So you know I was up all last night doing McGonagall's twelve rolls of parchment on Bipedal Transfiguration, right? And I was all alone. And the fire was crackling. And then suddenly, Lily came back last from patrolling the hallways, her hair all messy and her face pale with cold. And she actually wished me goodnight before she went up!" James excitedly waved a piece of kipper on his fork at them. It hit Peter in the face.

Frank snickered as James continued to prattle, "Can you imagine – she wanted me to have a good night! A night filled with goodness! Which can only mean that she wanted me to have good dreams – and my best good dreams are always about her! So she wanted me to have a good dream about her! James sighed, his blue eyes glazed again, looking up at the sunlit ceiling, "Boy, what a witch!"

Peter nudged James, "Oi, Prongs – Evans is here!"

"Where?" James said, looking wildly around, and his hand furiously raked his hair, messing it up.

Sure enough, Lily appeared with her friends - Marlene McKinnon, Dorcas Meadowes, Jessica Burkes, Alice Prewett, Emmeline Vance, and Hestia Jones - to sit on the other side of the table a few seats from Frank.

James checked his reflection in a spoon, and then cleared his throat, "Evans," He boomed across the table to her, "You look enchanting this morning. As always." He grinned at her.

Remus, Sirius, Peter and Frank watched with trepidation.

Lily was about to drink from her goblet when she stopped as he spoke to her. She gave him a cold look, and muttered, "Morning, Potter," before turning her head away from him to talk to Alice on her left.

James turned to Sirius, and he looked ecstatic. He held up his hand and pointed at his palm, "See?" He mouthed, "She wants me."

Peter blanched worried for James' sanity. Frank laughed.

Remus shook his head, "Oh, Merlin, he's hopeless."

"What was that, Moony?" James asked innocently, his mouth full of scrambled eggs.

"Nothing," Remus smiled pleasantly, biting into his toast. Remus leaned in to Sirius, speaking through the corners of his mouth, "Do it! Before he loses his mind further, Padfoot, do it now!"

Sirius reached into his robes, and at the same time, he pointed at the Slytherin Table, yelling excitedly, "LOOK! Prongs! It's Snivelly – Drinking Dandelion Juice!"

James turned in his chair, and was peering through the backs of all the students to see Snape. "Where? I don't see him!" He continued wildly looking around. Sirius' hand grazed over the glasses of pumpkin juice, and his hand dipped a few drops of a vial tucked into his sleeve into James' goblet.

"Don't you see him? There - and the slimy git looks like he's enjoying it too!" Sirius said emphatically.

James craned his neck, and while he and Sirius were talking excitedly between themselves, Remus, in a fit of fear that a few drops wouldn't be enough, grabbed the vial from Sirius' sleeve and emptied the entire contents into James' goblet while he wasn't looking.

Frank knitted his eyebrows, and Peter laughed with mirth at Remus. Remus shushed them both, and returned to his breakfast innocently.

"There, I see him!" James finally exclaimed excitedly to Sirius, "Oi, Padfoot, watch this! Accio Snivelly's Dandelion Juice!" James brandished his wand, and Snape choked a bit as his goblet went soaring through the Great Hall into James' outstretched hands. James poured it slowly on the floor, all the while laughing at Snape. Sirius grinned, slapping James on the back smugly.

Lily got up from her seat loudly. Everyone looked at her as she walked past James, her eyes cold, "I should have known not to trust you to change. You're still the cruel bastard that hexes anyone anytime he feels like it. He was just having breakfast. You make me sick, Potter!" She slammed into his shoulder angrily and his stumbled back slightly.

"Wow – Evans, I never knew she was this hot-blooded!" James said dreamily, massaging his shoulder, staring after her retreating figure, "She's always hitting me and slamming into me - pretending she's angry when all she wants to do is shag me till I'm unconscious!"

Peter choked on his milk, and Frank thumped him on the back, trying not to laugh.

Sirius sat down, patting James' seat. "Prongs, we've got Defense in half an hour. You better eat quickly. I want a good seat so I can hex Bellatrix when she's not looking."

James nodded, sitting down, and stuffed the forked eggs in his mouth hurriedly. He hadn't noticed anything different with his pumpkin juice, and he chewed noisily, reaching for his goblet, drinking and chewing at the same time. He didn't notice that the four boys were staring avidly at him, leaning forward in anticipation.

James swallowed thickly and pounded his chest to send his food down. He quickly drained the rest of his pumpkin juice and stood up. "All right, let's go, Padfoot. You guys coming?" He asked them.

They all nodded blankly, still staring at him keenly.

Sirius got up and left with James. He didn't catch Peter and Remus laughing happily, filling a curious Frank in on what had just happened.

* * *

**One Hour Later**

* * *

An hour later after Sirius had slipped James the Sobering Tonic, the Marauders were sitting in Defense against the Dark Arts with the rest of the Gryffindors and Slytherins. Peter kept trying to see if anything had changed with James even though he was sitting in the back with Remus, and they couldn't hear anything that Sirius and James were talking about. It wasn't until the class was nearly finished that Peter and Remus saw anything.

Professor Viridian had cleared the desks, and announced that it was time for Practical Defensive Magic. He paired everyone up, and Peter and Remus walked over to where Sirius and James were standing. The pairs of students faced each other preparing to duel. James surprised everyone by being the first to not only disarm his opponent Sirius, but bind him up in ropes and chain him to Viridian's desk.

Some sniggered, and other whistled, and Lily, in a mark of sportsmanship, complimented James, "Nice work, Potter. Be sure to untie Black before Charms."

James smiled slightly, not saying a word, before he ignored Lily and turned to remove the jinx from Sirius.

It was then that Peter knew something miraculous had happened. Lily looked confused, almost as if she was expecting him to do something – tousle his hair – wink at her – make a dirty joke – ask her on a date – anything! Instead, he was chatting casually with Frank Longbottom and Colin Thomas.

Sirius, after being unfrozen by James, turned to Remus and Peter and grinned like a madman. Peter's eyes were wide; Remus' mouth was hanging open as they watched James from a distance. Sirius walked over to them when James wasn't looking, and said under his breath, "See how calm he is? That's the Syrup of Hellebore! He didn't even blink when she talked to him!"

"It's a miracle!" Frank said, walking over to them, making sure no one heard, "Lily looks stunned. Question is how long will it last?"

Remus grinned, "I added some bark of Yew – it's used to make potions longwearing. I'd say a few weeks, if not more."

"Good man, Moony," Sirius said, shaking him by the hand.

Frank breathed a sigh of relief, "So no more nights waking up to him screaming her name? I don't dare believe it!"

Sirius and Peter began dancing around in a circle, singing, "Prongs is back! Prongs is back!" Frank and Remus just laughed at them. Suddenly, Remus spotted something, and stopped the dancing Sirius and Peter.

Remus whispered, "Look!" He was pointing proudly at James, who was standing in front of Lily, explaining the spell he had used to bind Sirius. He was talking enthusiastically, but he seemed … rational. He wasn't foaming at the mouth in her presence anymore; he was just being James again. She was looking at him, and a small smile was playing at the corner of her lips. Crazy, love-starved James would have noticed this and made a stupid joke, but sober James didn't seem to notice and didn't seem to care.

"Oh God," Remus said, suddenly scared, "He hasn't stopped liking her or anything, has he?"

They all looked at him again. Lily was walking away from him, after quietly saying, "Thanks." James turned around to look for his friends, but instead of a manic gleam of happiness, there was a small tinge of red on his cheeks.

"I wouldn't think he's over her at all," Peter laughed as James joined them.

"Where have you lot been?" James asked curiously.

"Admiring our talents." Sirius said honestly, "What happened there, Prongs? What was Lily talking to you about?" Sirius tried to incite the passionate sermon that James normally would have given them, but it didn't come.

James shrugged, "She just wanted to know how to cast a nonverbal with the Impediment Jinx."

"So…" Peter asked, barely believing it, "… She was all over you, wasn't she? Trying to hide her desire to shag you senseless? Her gorgeous green eyes filled with wanton lust for your hard Quidditch body?"

James wrinkled his brows, laughing, "Wormtail, of course not! I mean, it was just a simple question."

Sirius was standing behind him, hopping on one foot and stuffing his hand in his mouth to stop himself from screaming in joy.

"Oh Merlin. You don't like her anymore, do you?" Remus asked, but his voice was concerned.

James lowered his voice, "Of course I do! I mean, it's Lily! I still like her, but I feel calmer somehow. It's not bad. I can actually feel something deeper for her instead of just wanting her like that." He sighed deeply, "You know, I should just keep my feelings to myself. I'm sick of making a show of everything I do for her. She's worth so much more …, " James stopped suddenly, "… Remus, are you crying?"

Remus was covering his eyes, "No! No! It's just – dust in my eyes – is all."

Suddenly, Professor Viridian boomed again, "Now, finally, before you leave today, I want you to cast the most important charm of all – the shield spell. Potter, since you're advancing in defensive spells, I want to see you protect Black from an attack by another wizard - Snape."

Snape smirked, readying himself in front of Sirius, as James stood on the other side. Within a second, Snape swished his wand silently, making a slashing sound, as a jet of purple light burst from his wand. James yelled, "Protego Totalum!" But it was too late. Sirius had fallen over, almost like he had been petrified.

The class looked on horrified, as James, Remus, and a few others tried reviving charms on Sirius. Viridian cast a charm on Sirius with a lazy flick of his wand, before turning to his office. Sirius sat up, gasping for breath as if he had been drowned. "What was that greasy pillock thinking," Sirius said, getting to his feet, sounding indignant, "That was dark magic! And Viridian just lets him off like that!"

James growled angrily. Remus tried to hold him back, but James was out of the classroom hunting Snape down. Snape hadn't gotten far. James pulled out his wand, his face red with anger. "Turn around, you coward!"

Snape turned, "What did you say?"

Lily was standing behind James, and she was trying to pull him back. "Potter, don't!" But James didn't listen. Sirius, Remus, Peter, and Frank had reached the hallway, and were staring at the two figures almost dueling each other.

"I said, turn around, you fucking coward," James spat. As Snape's face contorted with rage, James flicked his wand, and had Snape hoisted up by his ankles again. James cast another spell, and Snape's wand flew to his outstretched hands.

Lily tried to use the anti-jinx, but it didn't work. She was screaming for James to stop, almost as if he was doing it to her best friend or to her personally, "Just stop it, Potter! Please! He's not worth it! Stop!"

James didn't stop, and he and Sirius began laughing. James walked over to Snape. "Oi, Snivelly, I think you might know this song - I see London … I see France … I see Snivelly's dirty underpants! "

Sirius began laughing so much, his face was red. "Prongs, I do think someone needs his laundry done. Who here thinks Snivelly needs a wash?" He turned to the crowd, who roared agreeably. Sirius shrugged complacently, and pointed his wand at Snape - soap, bubbles, and detergent burst from the tip of his wand, covering Snape's clothes as they lathered by themselves.

"This is disgusting, Potter, stop it!' Lily yelled, but he didn't listen. His face still was contorted with rage, and he was smiling as if he was consumed with vengeance.

"I'm going to the Headmaster! If you're not expelled soon, Potter, I'll leave this place myself!" Lily yelled, and fought her way through the thick crowd.

Remus, Peter, and Frank exchanged a worrying look between themselves as Sirius and James continued to mock Snape.

"Well, at least he's not slobbering over her. And you know, he's helping Snape – doing his laundry and all that." Peter supplied optimistically.

"Sure, he's helping Snape – develop a lifelong complex. He's not infatuated with Lily anymore, yes, but James is still acting like a git. Rowing with Snape all the time – It's pissing her off. He'll never get anywhere with her with that sort of behavior. " Frank said mournfully.

"If only there was something we could do about his anger. Make him more friendly-like to the Slytherins." Remus mused thoughtfully. James had finished doing Snape's laundry, and was now drying his clothes. The crowd was laughing murderously. Snape looked faint, and his face was purple.

Peter turned to Remus, a maniacal grin on his face. "Moony, you have done it!"

"What? What have I done?" Remus asked confusedly. The crowd was roaring behind him.

"There IS something we can do about his temper!" Peter said excitedly, "Compunction Unction – you remember from Potions class, it was first brewed by Benedictine Monks to inspire penitence and sympathy by the Knights!" Peter laughed, looking on, "Hard to get some of the ingredients, though. The steps are complicated too, but it's not very difficult." Peter paused to think, "Who knows? We ought to slip in a bit to Sirius too. Poor bloke could use some compassion ... You know, that romance between James and Lily is looking more and more convincing, innit?"

Remus shook his head disbelievingly, "Wormtail – You. Are. Bloody. Brilliant."

Frank nodded in agreement, his eyes wide with interest at the prospect of possibly mischief-making with the legendary Marauders. Frank cleared his throat - It was all for a good cause anyway.

* * *


	3. Climbing the Girls' Stairway

**

* * *

**

Chapter Three:

Climbing the Girls Stairway

or

Operation Find out What Lily Thinks of James

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Peter's brilliant plan to get James and Sirius a conscience would have to wait. That night - before James and Sirius returned from a detention with McGonagall for attacking and undressing Snape again - Remus was trying to think of how they could get the ingredients for the Compunction Unction. He had gone to the library, and pulled out a book on potions from the Restricted Section. That particular unction would only brew one night after the Winter Solstice – nearly a month from today. Remus chuckled, thinking the potion probably had something to do with all the good Yuletide spirit. As Remus was flipping through the pages idly on his four-post bed, taking a few notes, he heard Sirius barge into the room.

"All right," Sirius said, breathing heavily, locking the door and looking over his shoulder, "We've got exactly fifteen minutes. James is planning next season's Quidditch practice, and most of Lily's friends are at Charms club. Quick, Wormtail, close the windows. We want no one hearing this."

Peter nodded, and bounced over to the window, pulling the drapes and casting an Impervious charm on the windows and doors.

Remus looked confused, "What do Lily's friends have to do with this?"

Sirius smiled, cryptically "Everything."

Before Remus could ask him anything, Sirius had pulled out a giant bottle filled with a frothy, green liquid. Remus wondered when Sirius had the time to brew that since he spent his free time hexing people and going to detentions. Peter watched excitedly, his watery eyes glistening, as Sirius carefully put on a pair of cotton gloves, and pulled out a few empty vials.

"Dare I ask?" Remus asked dryly.

"It's ready," Sirius announced, handing one empty vial to Peter and another to Remus while keeping one for himself, "You know that I always brew a batch of Polyjuice Potion in case we need it for marauding emergencies, right?"

"Of course," Remus replied, shaking his head, knowing how ridiculous Sirius sounded.

"Well," Sirius said, "Stage Two of Operation Romance is upon us. I figured that before we do anything further, we've got to first find out what Lily thinks of James."

Peter nodded. "Good idea." He rattled his vial, pointing at it curiously, "What's this empty vial for?"

"I'll get to it," Sirius said in a placating tone, "And we know we can't just walk up to perfect prefect Head Girl Evans and ask her that without coming back with a couple jewels missing from the treasury. So …"

Cutting Sirius off, Remus got up indignantly, "I distinctly remember one Mister Black assuring me a few days ago that there would be nothing illegal involved, and _this_ is the height of illegal activity!" Remus tapped his foot, waiting for an explanation.

Sirius scoffed, and began talking in a melodramatic voice, "Moony, I thought it would be obvious. You should have known that our paths would be fraught with danger, intrigue, and cunning. We'd be lucky to come back alive." Sirius walked over to Remus, putting an arm over his shoulder, "Could you ever forgive yourself if _you_ were the one who let one silly, inconsequential little illegal potion stand in the way of true love?" Sirius then turned to face Remus - a sad, lonely, beseeching basset hound look plastered on his face.

Remus backed away, warningly, "Sirius, don't you dare make that face! " Remus took one glance then screamed, "Argh! Fine!! But if we get caught, I'm telling them it was all your idea!"

Sirius beamed. "Of course, Moony, I'd expect nothing less from you." Sirius turned to Peter, "Any objections from you, Wormtail?"

Peter shook his head. He rattled his empty vial again, peering intensely at its contents, "All right, so I'm guessing this is hair – or skin – or something gross from some person that Lily trusts enough to talk about Prongs. Who are they?"

"Dorcas Meadowes, Hestia Jones, and Emmeline Vance," Sirius said succinctly.

Remus looked down at his vial, then looked at Sirius, and then looked away resolutely. 'I don't even want to how you got this."

Sirius let out a bark-like laugh.

Peter shook his head, groaning impatiently, pointing at the bottle of Polyjuice Potion, "Padfoot, Hand the potion over. Let's get this over with, then."

Sirius and Remus looked confusedly at Peter. "We're doing it now?" They asked in unison.

"Then when?" Peter asked annoyed, "The sooner we get this done with, the better."

They nodded agreeably half-heartedly. Sirius first uncorked the bottle of Polyjuice Potion, and then poured the lumpy, frothing green mess into his vial. He shook it a bit, and handed the bottle to Peter. Peter did the same, handing it finally to Remus.

"Don't you think it's going to look suspicious if three girls walk down from the boys' dormitory?" Remus asked, pouring the potion into his vial.

Peter clamped his fingers over his nose, preparing to drink, "Of course not," He said in a nasally voice, "We'll tell whoever asks that we were just shagging the Marauders. And they're not to be disturbed."

Sirius burst into laughter. Remus tried hard not to drop his glass vial as he laughed too. "If that's the case," Remus said hurriedly, running over to each of the beds and making a mock body out of pillows, "We've got to look like we're sleeping." He swished his wand, and the three pillows began to snore. Another swish and the velvet curtains pulled around the beds, making it all look very realistic. He turned to look at Peter and Sirius, who were smirking at him knowingly, "Yes, I know, I'm a prefect turned dastardly villain. What else is new?"

Sirius held up his vial, "Shall we, gentlemen?"

They nodded and clinked the vials together with an evil grin.

Peter still had his nose clamped, "To Twoo Lub," He toasted nasally.

"Hear, hear," The two others replied.

In a second, they all threw their heads back and drank the lumpy liquid in one gulp.

For a moment, they all looked at each other in pure silence.

Sirius was the first to react. "BLARGH!" He leaned over Remus' bed, and nearly threw up on his old pile of clothes. Nearly. After a moment, he breathed a sigh of relief and straightened up. He stared at his fingernails, which were growing slowly. His calloused hands turned smooth and became paler. But suddenly, In a flash of a second, his entire face seemed to bubble, then just as Sirius Black had been standing a moment ago, Dorcas Meadowes stood in his place. Sirius now had short dark hair, amber eyes, and a pointy nose. This was not however the thing that caught Sirius' eye. He was looking down, mesmerized, staring at a huge pair of –

"PADFOOT! Now's not the time!" Remus yelled, but instead, the smooth, melodious voice of Emmeline Vance came out. Remus squeaked, covering his mouth. Just as Sirius had transformed a second ago, Remus' face suddenly appeared to bubble, and suddenly, bright golden hair burst from his head to his waist, his face narrowed to a feminine structure, and his hands became slender and long. He was not blessed with the same well-endowed figure as Sirius, however. Remus was looking pale, but didn't throw up. "That was painful," He squeaked shrilly. He cleared his throat, trying again, "That was painful," and it sounded exactly as Emmeline would sound.

They turned to Peter, looking expectedly. Peter kept burping, and looking green in the face after, as he held back the bile. Just as the other boys before him, Peter transformed into Hestia Jones, and the most noticeably strange part of his transformation was a sudden growing of his bottom, and he grew incredibly squatter and fatter. His mousy brown hair turned a dark blonde, and his face grew a warm, round appearance. He burped again, his face turning pale. "Ouch," He said in a high voie, rubbing his head, "That hurt something terrible."

Sirius walked over to the door, unlocking it and peering out. "No go," He said, "There's a few fourth years in the Common Room."

Remus sat down on his bed, looking at his hands. "Isn't it strange that out of all the people we could transform into, it's them?"

Peter looked confused, "What do you mean?'

Remus scoffed, pointing at himself, "Me and Emmeline have been on and off for months now." He pointed at Peter, or Hestia, "And Jones has been trying to get Wormtail to Hogsmeade since our Fourth Year. Not to mention Wormtail accidently snogged her under charmed mistletoe last year." He pointed to Sirius, "And you – well, obviously, you know with Dorcas …, "

Sirius shook his head, "No, I don't. There's nothing between me and -"

Both Remus and Peter scoffed.

Peter looked incredulous, unable to believe that he would be the one to explain it to Sirius, "So you haven't noticed that she's been crazy for you? You're too busy pranking everyone with James to notice when she's looking wistfully behind you in class. We thought you knew."

Sirius shook his head again, but looked lost in thought. He sat down next to Peter, while Remus got up to look through the door.

Peter walked in front of James' full-length mirror to examine himself, "You know, I wouldn't have thought it before," He said, twirling a bit, "But I think I rather like these. Hestia hasn't got a bad body." He patted his behind, and then started touching his breasts inappropriately.

"Stop molesting Jones, Wormtail!" Sirius barked in Dorcas' voice.

Tossing his dark blonde hair, Peter turned crossly to Sirius, his hands still on his breasts, "I can do whatever I please! They're mine now!" He cackled evilly, and began touching himself again.

"_Those," _Sirius said, pointing at Peter's chest, "Are for rent! Hands off the goods, you scurvy rat!" Sirius walked over, trying to chase Peter down. Peter was running merrily around the room. He jumped on James' bed, while Sirius made a lunge for him. Peter grinned evilly at Sirius, who was trying hard not to laugh, as he slowly raised the hem of his black robes, doing a sort of ungainly burlesque dance, when –

"Shut up playing around, the both of you!" Remus yelled from the doorway, "The Common Room's empty. Let's go!"

Peter huffed, climbing down from the bed, "Oh bother," He scowled, "You always ruin the fun, Moony."

The three of them crowded around the door, peering down at the Common Room. The fire was crackling, and there wasn't a soul in sight.

"_Why_ aren't we using the Invisibility Cloak again?" Sirius asked quietly.

"Because James took it down to the Quidditch Pitch an hour ago," Remus replied shortly. "All right, here's the plan: We run down the stairs, through the Common Room, and up the girls' dormitory on the count of three. Ready? One … Two … "

Sirius had decided to run a second before schedule. He was thundering down the stairs with Peter hot on his tails. Remus shrugged disappointedly, and followed them. They reached the bottom of the stairs, panting heavily, and began sprinting across the Common Room to the staircase to the girls' dormitory. For a second, they stood there, staring up, expressions of holy wonder on their faces.

"This is it," Sirius breathed, staring up with stars in his eyes, "The greatest adventures of our lives."

The others nodded in awed agreement. A strange shiver passed through them – alighting them to the magical miracle that was about to take place. They were the chosen ones.

Sirius was the bravest, placing one shaky foot on the staircase, knowing what would happen if the evil bugger of a staircase sensed who he was. Nothing happened. He grinned at his mates. He placed his weight on the first stair, and then another, and finally stood cringing on the third stair, afraid it would turn into a slide when he least expected it.

"Oh come off it, Padfoot," Remus said, walking up the stairs past him, "Nothing's going to happen."

Relieved, Sirius followed Remus up, and Peter was running up behind him. "Shouldn't we savor the moment, lads? Take a few snaps for our grandchildren?" Sirius suggested, but Remus just rolled his eyes.

They reached the top of the staircase. Remus tentatively pushed open the door, and turned to find Sirius looking down at the Common Room, a glazed look in his eyes. Remus dragged him and Peter through the door, and into another cavern with a smaller winding staircase just like in the boys' dormitory. Sirius and Peter were again savoring the moment behind him, but Remus was too busy thinking. If Lily was Head Girl, Remus thought, then her room should be right ... here.

"Oh, Hello," Remus said, as he pushed open the door and found Lily sitting on her bed, reading. He felt two people run into him, and he groaned, "Oomph! Watch it!" He yelled behind him. He stumbled inside, and looked around cautiously. The two oafs behind him were also looking around in wonder, though it was unwise to look like strangers.

Looking surprised, Lily smiled, "Dorcas, didn't you have Charms club? And – Emmeline – Hestia – weren't you in the Greenhouses helping Professor Sprout with something?"

The three of them looked at each other. "Er … we were bored." Sirius answered as honestly as he could. He often did get bored doing those things.

Lily nodded understandingly. Remus smiled awkwardly again at her, wondering which bed was his. He tried hard not to let his mind wander and think about Emmeline, but he couldn't fight it. He looked up to smile again at Lily, when he saw her looking over his shoulder with a bemused expression on her face. Remus turned around to see Sirius looking like he was in heaven.

"Ah," Sirius said, closing his eyes and taking a deep whiff of the room, "It smells heavenly in here. Like Butterscotch and Christmas. Not at all like melted rancid socks under dung bomb-stained sheets."

Peter nodded, closing his eyes and sniffing like Sirius. Lily giggled.

Remus gave Sirius one swift kick to the chins, and turned again to Lily, a plan forming in his mind. They didn't have much time before the potion wore off, and the two idiots behind him weren't helping matters. "So Lily," Remus began, sitting down next to her, "We ran past Snape and his gang after Charms club. Those prats – tell them what they did to you, Hestia." Remus gave a pointed look at Peter.

Lily looked concerned. She snapped her books closed, and sat up straight.

Still trying to stop the Polyjuice Potion vomit, Peter put a finger to his chin, trying to think. Suddenly, he exclaimed, "I know! Er… I mean, I remember. They cast the jelly legs curse on me. And … and … Dolohov cast the trip jinx on Dorcas. And before Emmeline could save us, Snape cast the jelly fingers jinx on him – her – and her wand slipped out of her hands." Peter was getting into the story, a few tears leaked out of his eyes, "It was so terrible. They called us nasty words. Filthy Mudblood –"

"Why?" Lily asked curiously, "You're not muggleborn … "

"Those bigoted Slytherins," Remus said chuckling, casting a dark look at Peter, "They're so stupid. But Lily, that's not the point. The strangest thing happened –"

"I'LL TELL IT!" Sirius said, flying in front of them, his voice melodramatic, "There we were – damsels in distress even though we tried to fight back. We were trapped. At the mercy of those fiends – when all of a sudden, we heard something. It was a deep sexy voice. I looked up, and it was James Potter, running at them, his eyes blazing with … concern. He wasn't angry, Lily, no, not at all!" Sirius looked off dreamily, "He was like a Knight. He found them off singlehandedly. And then, he helped us to our feet and walked us back before going to play some manly Quidditch. It was amazing. Whatever rubbish I've said about the prat I take it all back."

Remus broke in, his voice sounding broken with emotion, as he wiped away a fake tear, "He was our hero."

Lily was looking distantly at the fireplace, her eyes wide. "Potter? You sure?"

"Yes, we're sure!" They said in unison.

Remus sat closer to Lily, tossing his long blonde hair over his shoulder, "What do you think of him – Potter, I mean? If he saved us, he can't be all bad, can he?"

Lily grimaced, "I never said he was pure evil. But he's cruel sometimes – and just as prejudiced as the Slytherins. He never gives anyone a second chance. Once his mind is made up, there's no going back. Take his – his obsession with me. He doesn't even know me. He wouldn't even notice if I changed drastically. All he can see is a difficult conquest. He's never done anything altruistically. Just anything for fame and glory."

The boys were quiet except for Peter still burping painfully.

Lily sighed, looking kindly at them, "I'm glad he helped you, really. And I know you're going to tell me off for not going with him after that, but I need more from him. I need to know he's really changed. If he just did something that would … not be in his interest at all … something that wouldn't swell that already big head of his … maybe I could change. I'd give him a chance." She held up a pillow in front of her, laughing, "I'm not letting that prat hurt me."

Sirius sighed, propping his chin up on his palms, looking suddenly lovingly up at her, "You know … you're a great girl, Evans – Lily – and I guess – he's not so bad himself – but not worthy of you by any measure! " He grinned.

Lily chuckled, "We'll talk about me and James after we talk about you and Sirius. What did he do again when you handed him that flagon of pumpkin juice this morning, Dorcas?"

Sirius looked a little shocked, as he remembered that morning. He looked away ashamedly, saying quietly, "He didn't notice."

"That's right," Lily said, getting up, "Why? Because he and his smarmy sidekicks are all prats. Either they slobber all over you, or don't even notice you're in the same room."

Peter got up, stifling some vomit, "Hear hear! Boys be damned! Kill them all! Hang them by their fingernails!" A few moments polyjuiced as a girl, and Peter had forgotten ever having being a male.

Lily chuckled, "Hestia, surely you don't think Amos is like every other stupid boy, do you? He's kind, polite, and doesn't hex anyone for fun. Perhaps we'll spare him the hanging." She looked away wistfully.

Sirius and Remus shared a look, "Amos?" They asked her together confusedly.

Lily looked out the window, her eyes glazed, "Last night when we were patrolling the hallway, he saw Snape and Lestrange hexing some third year boy - behaving exactly like Potter. Amos stepped in and somehow got them to stop without using his wand." She turned to look at them, "I promised him that I wouldn't tell anyone, but I can't keep it from you three." She paused, "We've been dating secretly."

"WHAT?" They asked loudly.

Lily squealed happily, not seeing the stricken look on their faces, "Isn't it wonderful – I told him not to tell anyone because of James' temper - even if I'd sorely love to see the look on that wanker's face when he finds out." She suddenly stopped, looking at Peter, "Hestia? Are you all right? You look a bit peaky."

Peter nodded, but this time he couldn't hold back the vomit any longer. He leaned over, and Sirius just jumped out of the way, as Peter splattered his stomach all over Lily's trunk. Lucky her trunk was closed. Lily got up worriedly and patted Peter's back, conjuring up a glass of water.

Sirius and Remus shared a look.

"Oh no," Peter said, looking watery-eyed at the green, frothy, stinky vomit in front of him. He sounded strange, like his voice was breaking. He felt his face, as it began to bubble like before, "Oh, shite."

Remus shot up, "Evanesco!" He yelled, vanishing the vomit.

Remus picked Peter up, and making sure Lily didn't catch his transforming face, he backed out of the room. "Er ... We've got to go. Toilet emergency in the Greenhouse. Can't stay."

Sirius shot up, running after them. Before he closed the door, Sirius closed his eyes again, and took one deep whiff. "Ahh," He breathed, looking very content. "Butterscotch, vanilla pudding, and … strawberry shampoo," He sighed dreamily, looking like a sniffing hound.

Lily almost laughed, when she saw a hand suddenly grab her friend by the collar, dragging her from the doorway. The door shut with a bang. Shrugging, Lily returned to her homework, hoping Emmeline would take Hestia to the hospital wing.

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**Author's Note: **

I love reviews - good, bad, and ugly ones. Hint hint. Wink wink. Nudge nudge.

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	4. Bighead Boy Moves On

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**Chapter Four: **

**Bighead Boy Moves On**

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The next day, Lily wandered down to breakfast before going to her first Charms class.

Sitting down at the Gryffindor table, her eyes suddenly wandered over to the Hufflepuffs where Amos Diggory was busy with his friends. He was really handsome, with dark brown hair that fell in his eyes and stormy blue eyes. He was so polite, and never had a single detention in his life.

That was more than she could say for Potter, who spent the entire year serving detentions of various kinds - polishing trophies for Filch, sorting placards in the library for Pince, or helping with the pumpkins for Hagrid. She made an angry face despite herself. No matter how hard she tried, she never could stop being mad at James.

Lost in thought, she didn't see Amos walk over to her and plant a kiss on her cheek.

She smiled as he sat down beside her. Amos asked quietly, "Still want to keep it a secret? You know that means I can't kiss you when I'd like," Amos leaned in closely, so all she saw was his intense blue-eyed gaze.

She giggled, pushing him away, making sure no one saw, "I think we should keep it quiet … until the Slug Party this December. What do you think?"

He smiled sweetly, "Anything you like, Lily." Walking back to his table, he sat down casually with his friends again, eating breakfast.

Blushing, Lily pulled out the newspaper, and propped it against the table as she began to read out of habit. She felt the crowd of people entering the Great Hall grew as the hour wore on. Everyone was getting up.

Jessica Burkes, a fellow Gryffindor and one of Lily's best friends, sat down beside her. She had gorgeous dirty-blonde hair, and hazel eyes that looked green like Lily's in the sunlight.

"Morning, Lily," Jessica said cheerfully, reaching for the orange juice. Lily greeted her, and they fell into conversation about Slughorn's next party.

Just then, the Marauders swaggered through the door – and Lily forced herself not to become flustered or angry. James _had _just saved her best friends and she couldn't yell at him. Yet.

"Don't look now but the Four Idiots just landed," Jessica said in a whisper, turning her head away.

Lily tried to not make eye-contact with them as she and Jessica pretended to be looking under the table for something. Lily looked up slightly and regretted it, "Shit, I think they're going to sit next to us."

Sure enough, they dropped themselves casually next to Lily. James sat down in front of her, smiling. Lily looked away.

Sure, he was calmer around her, but he was still a hexing toerag. Nothing could change that. Besides, why was she even thinking about James when she had fallen in love with Amos? Amos - who would never hex her former best friend Snape just because he was in Slytherin. Amos - who didn't had a temper that rivaled a dragon's. Amos - who was so much better compared to bullying James, who didn't have a decent bone in his entire body.

"Morning gorgeous," Sirius said to Jessica with a casual wink.

Jessica rolled her eyes, taking a bite of her toast, "Morning slimy."

"Ouch," He said, pretending to be wounded in the heart, "Jessi, that hurt."

"Good, that was the plan," Jessica said, ignoring him completely.

Sirius shrugged, and decided to flirt with the next batch of girls who had arrived for breakfast. He simply had to wink at them and they were reduced to giggling puddles. He turned to talk to James, happy that his charms were working on someone.

"Typical," Jessica said, watching him from the corner of her eye, "No deep interest in anything beyond Quidditch and troublemaking. Can't he actually like one girl and mean it?"

"You talking about Black?" A small voice asked, and Lily and Jessica looked up to see Dorcas approaching the table. She was smaller than her friends with short mousy hair and amber eyes. It was obvious to anyone around that she fancied the pants off Sirius Black.

"Yeah, who else?" Jessica asked, making room for the rest of their friends - Alice Prewett, a short girl with soft strawberry-blonde hair; Emmeline Vance, a taller girl with long, blonde hair and a slender frame; and Hestia Jones, the shortest one with a voluptuous body.

As the girls burst into chatter, they didn't notice that three of the Marauders stiffened, leaning forward slightly, trying to listen in on their conversation.

"How do you feel, Hestia?" Lily asked sympathetically, because she had seen Hestia throw up all over her trunk last night.

Hestia looked momentarily confused, "Fine?"

Remus and Sirius gave each other a worried look. Peter blanched and had to cross his legs from wetting himself in worry.

"Good, glad you're better" Lily said, settling in on her breakfast. Hestia shrugged, and popped a piece of bacon in her mouth.

That was the last that the girls spoke of anything that had happened last night, and the three Marauders breathed a sigh of relief. Their prank wouldn't be discovered yet.

"Hey, Wormtail," Remus whispered to Peter, "How's the Compunction Unction coming along?"

Peter leaned in to Remus, "Great. Less than a month left and it'll be right on time."

Remus nodded determinedly, saying nothing as he settled into his breakfast.

"Evans," James began, but sounding more casual than ever thanks to Sirius' Sobering Tonic, "You're not going to Slug's Christmas party, are you?"

Lily frowned, expecting him to ask her out. Hesitantly, she said, "Yes."

Everyone had deserted all pretense of not listening. This was becoming a regular pastime, watching James ask Lily out in a myriad ways. Houses had bets running on the two of them with hundreds of galleons at stake.

Looking pleased, James smiled. "Good," He reached in his pocket for a crumpled piece of paper, "I can't do prefect duties that night. Take my shift?"

He handed her a quill and the crumpled up sign-up scroll. Hesitantly, she nodded, and signed her name under the date.

"Wicked," He smirked, "You're amazing, Evans! Don't know what I would have done without you."

Unable to keep the sneering back, Lily burst out, "So when are you going to ask me out so I can say no? I don't have all day, Potter. Besides, I'm already going with someone."

Her friends sniggered behind their hands.

Smiling, James took a swig of his drink, not noticing that across the room, a beady pair of black eyes were watching him carefully. His smile suddenly faded, and a dark look came over his eyes. James laughed hollowly, "Not asking you - not anymore. You were right. For some strange reason, I feel like I've matured." Sirius tried hard not to smirk at this, "I'm not hot-blooded anymore, running after _anything_ on legs." He said pointedly.

She looked slighted, taking his small insult to heart. "That's great, Potter." She muttered under her breath, "Just peachy."

"Isn't it, Evans?" James asked, taking another sip of his pumpkin juice, savoring her pain, "Now you're rid of the only person running madly behind you. Think of all the time I'll be freeing up for you. What is it that you do again? Charms club? Slug club? Writing unnecessary opinion letters to the Prophet about how they talk about muggles?"

This was the first time James had ever even come close to insulting Lily. Sirius, Remus, and Peter were looking between the two of them with their mouths literally hanging down. What was wrong with him? Her friends looked shocked themselves. Suddenly, as if James had planned it all, a girl screamed his name.

"Jamesy Baby!" A sugary voice came from the Great Hall, and Sirius turned to see Rita Skeeter drape herself gracefully over James. "You should have woken me up!"

Loud gasps came from all over the Hall from the people who had heard her. Sirius' eyes widened. What was going on?

James smiled indulgently, tracing his hand over her cheek as she sat down on his other side. "You see, Rita, Evans here doubts I've changed." He said, and was glad to see Lily looking pale as she watched Rita feed a piece of kipper to him, "The Old James wouldn't have fallen in love with a Slytherin goddess! The Old James would still be running behind _you _as if you were something special. Well, you're not. You're nothing. I wouldn't ask you to Slug's Christmas party if you were the last bitch in Hogwarts." James nearly laughed as Lily's eyes began swimming in tears. She couldn't say anything for the lump in her throat. Even Rita looked horrified by James' rude behavior. It seemed like the world was on its head.

"Shut up, James."

Everyone turned to shock to see Sirius looking angry and furious, his gray eyes concentrated on the table. His dark hair was falling in his eyes. He looked murderous.

"What?" James asked, annoyed that he was this close to making Lily cry, and Sirius was ruining it.

"I said, shut up." Sirius' voice was cold. His hands were clenched. Lily let the tears drop from her eyes in shock at Sirius' outburst, and they landed on her newspaper, blurring the ink.

"Sure, Padfoot," James said with a shrug, "If you fancy snotty gingers now, you can have her." He grabbed Rita, and said in a slow husky voice, "Want to finish breakfast by the lake, sugar?" Rita nodded mutely, and walked away with him. and Remus' eyes widened in shock as Rita grabbed James' behind. Everyone leaned in their seats to watch the both of them amble out the castle. Snape was the only one who chuckled happily at the spectacle, ruffling his morning paper with a very satisfied smirk on his face.

"… The hell?" Frank asked, looking confused.

"Was I just hallucinating all that?" Peter asked, sounding slow like he had been stunned. "He couldn't have just said that – James wouldn't – "

"I'm. Going. To. KILL HIM!" Jessica screamed furiously, and Dorcas had to hold her hand to keep Jessica from chasing James down. Jessica sat down, but continued to seethe angrily, "Who the bloody hell does he think he is talking to you like that?"

Lily gulped, her voice sounded strange, "I don't care anymore. I knew he was going to do this one day. He's too immature to understand I don't want him. And he's too immature so he insults me like a child. I'm just glad it's all over. I don't have to deal with Potter for the rest of my life." Lily's voice broke, and she sobbed slightly, "I'm sorry," She apologized for crying, "I have to go."

She nearly ran through the hall, and her friends carefully followed behind her. Amos, who had seen her look distraught, ran after her worriedly.

"Damn," Remus swore, "How the hell are we going to get them together after that?"

Frank shook his head, trying to distract everyone from Sirius, who was still looking at his plate moodily, "He's with Rita Skeeter. She's with Amos Diggory. He fancied her. She hated him. And now, he hates her. Yeah, mission impossible."

"We're done," Sirius said stormily, "Scrap the operation. Git doesn't deserve her. Never did." He walked out the doors, leaving only Remus, Peter, and Frank sitting on their side of the table.

Peter whistled, "So that wasn't a hallucination, right? James snapped at Lily. James is snogging – or shagging – Rita Skeeter. And Sirius isn't talking to James. That actually happened?" He asked, sounding a little hysterical.

Remus leaned back, "If Sirius is out, that doesn't mean the plan stops, all right? James needs Operation Romance now more than ever. He's trying to make her jealous."

"Are you sure? It looked like he really fancies Rita." Frank said, "He was all over her."

"I know James," Remus said assuredly, "I know he still likes Lily. And Rita fancies Sirius, so I don't know what kind of game those two are playing. Even Lily – she's going out with Amos, but I see the way she looks at James sometimes. She likes him, but she's too afraid of getting hurt."

"Now what?" Peter asked morosely, his face slumped in his empty cereal bowl.

Remus looked at the other two, a small smile creeping on his face, "We need more than just Compunction Unction. We need something stronger. Make them stop playing these mind games with each other and stop trying to make each other jealous. We need something that'll get all these lies out in the open."

Frank had a wicked look as his face shone with an idea, "How about a party with a drinking game?"

Remus caught on, "And we spike the Butterbeer and Firewhiskey with Veritaserum! So James and Lily can spill their hearts to each other! Brilliant, Frank!"

Peter lifted his head from the bowl, looking happy again, "That's brilliant guys! We've got to use the Room of Requirement for the party so that other houses can come too – especially Amos and Rita. They need to see for themselves that they can't get between true love."

"You don't think we're taking this too far do you?" Remus asked hesitantly.

The other two looked worriedly at each other for a moment, before replying together:

"Nah!"

* * *

**Author's Note:** In this chapter, you'll have noticed that someone besides the Marauders have decided to mess with James using dangerous potions. Clue: The motive is payback for the underpants incident. The Messr. is ? Guess right and win a role in an upcoming chapter!

* * *


	5. Welcome to the Veritserum Drinking Party

* * *

**Chapter Five **

**Welcome to the Veritaserum Drinking Party**

**or **

**Operation Get the Lies Out in the Open  
**

* * *

"James! You're just in time!" Frank Longbottom's voice boomed as James opened the door to the Room of Requirement. Frank grinned at James, uncorking a bottle of butterbeer and handing it to him. "This party is going to go down in Hogwarts' History! All the houses together for one last send up! How do you like the place?" Frank asked James grinning, gesturing at the room, "Remus and I spent hours concentrating outside the door to get the place just right!"

James gaped in awe suddenly as he looked around. The room was completely unrecognizable. There was a large roaring fire with plenty of plush cushions scattered on the floor, velvet chaises with lounging girls holding dainty glasses, and house-elves balancing platters of chips pirouetting around the room. The walls that once held libraries of books when the Marauders studied Animagi Transfiguration had completely disappeared. In its place was a massive tower of dusty wines and hundreds of varieties of butterbeer for _every_ taste in every flavor.

"By the way," Frank asked curiously, peering around James' back, "Where's Rita? I was sure Remus invited her …"

James shrugged in response, and was about to answer when he was pushed aside by a large crowd that had just entered behind him. People were slowly arriving behind James, and in just minutes, the room was bursting with seventh years roaring loudly and buzzing with anticipation. There had never been anything like this before. And the mastermind behind this could have only been -

"Remus!" James said loudly over the crowd, greeting his friend with a thump on the back, "I never knew you had it in you! You pulled off something Sirius and I have been trying to plan for years! Where is the old dog anyway?"

Remus' blanched, "I don't think he's coming, James. I tried to change his mind, but he wouldn't listen. I asked Dorcas and Emmeline to check on him. He was a bit miffed at the way you talked to Lily yesterday …"

"Still?" James scoffed, "I thought he'd be over it by now. Doesn't matter, does it? A good drink and I won't even remember we had a row!" James laughed loudly, calling a house-elf to fetch him a strong Firewhiskey.

"James, are you sure?" Remus asked doubtfully as James swigged the powerful shot, "You're not used to such strong liquor…"

James squinted as the drink went down, sending fire up his throat. He coughed loudly, leaning on Remus as he tried hard to breathe.

A small chuckling behind Remus startled the two of them as James continued to rasp. They turned, shocked to see Lily and Amos. Her green eyes were glinting emeralds in the dim light of the room.

"Potter," She said acidly, leaning into Amos' shoulder, "You really shouldn't be drinking such a _manly _drink like that. You know you can't handle anything _fiery_," She spat unkindly at him.

James narrowed his eyes, spitting back, "Evans, you couldn't be fiery in a million years. Just a cold-hearted wench. You're too too scared to do anything that frightens you …"

Lily leaned forward angrily, "Stop pretending you know what I'm about, Potter! You and your overblown ego think that just because you can't get me, you can treat me like one of your harem girls and talk to me like that… You still haven't apologized for yesterday …"

James appeared to choke, and there was a mad glint in his eyes, "What did you say? I can't get you? How about I just realized what a great twit you are, and you don't deserve to even be here, you … you …" James appeared to be struggling to stop himself, "You filthy … muh … stinky mubbb….. filthy mmm-"

Amos stepped forward, put a hand on James' chest, stopping him, "That'll do, Potter," He said icily, glancing back at Lily, "Apologize to Lily. Now."

Heaving angrily, James crossed his arms, "No."

Lily grated her teeth, pushing aside Amos, "YOU FILTHY HYPOCRITE! You were about to call me mud blood, weren't you? Weren't you?"

"SHUT UP, EVANS!" James barked, reaching for another drink.

"GO TO HELL, POTTER!" Lily stamped her feet, her face turning red, as Amos tried to hold her back.

They didn't realize that they were drawing a crowd. Quite a large crowd in fact, everyone in the room was openly staring. Lily and James were almost ready to kill each other, still glaring only at each other.

Suddenly, Frank stumbled forward, a little drunk, "Shh," He said, leaning in to James, distracting them both momentarily, "Don't … zzzz… make a noise. James Fotter might yell at you. Did you …" Frank raised his voice, "DID YOU KNOW," He suddenly whispered, "Did you know that Games likes Jilly? I mean Filly? Games like Belly? I mean … I mean … RITA LOUISA MARIA SKEETER!"

Lily looked annoyed, "You can't say Lily but you can say all that perfectly?"

Frank shook his head, pointing behind her, "No look, Rita's here!" Everyone turned to see that Rita was walking over to James, wearing a dragon print mini-dress. She snuggled up to James and glared menacingly at Lily.

Frank laughed happily, looking wildly around him for Remus, "Oi, Remus, she's here! The plan! The plan's going to work after all -- mmph -" Remus' hand suddenly clapped over Frank's mouth, and he gently led Frank back from the crowd.

"As I was saying, Potter, " Lily said casually, glaring back at Rita, who was nibbling James' ear, "DROP DEAD!" She turned to walk away.

"I have a better idea, Lilykins," James said, pushing Rita aside as he chased after Lily, "Why don't you make good on your promise and go out with the Giant Squid? It'll be a match made in coldhearted heaven!"

"You miserable toad!" Lily screamed, turning around, "Why don't you shag Skeeter and just leave me alone? You know you're just starving for some good -"

"WHY DON'T THE TWO OF YOU JUST FUCKING SHUT UP!" Three voices boomed in perfect harmony, and everyone turned around in surprise. Sirius, Jessica, and Dorcas were looking angrily at the middle of the room, walking together from the doorway as the crowd parted around them.

Sirius chuckled as he caught sight of Remus handing Frank some sober-up tonic, "Moony, when you invited me for a drinking party, you didn't tell me you were inviting Merlin and Queen Mab here too." He said, pointing at James and Lily. Several people chuckled.

Sirius slid his arm around Emmeline and Dorcas, who blushed, "Now I know you children have been waiting up for me to arrive," Sirius said, grinning at a few girls, "So let's not keep Remus' surprise game waiting any longer."

Remus grinned despite himself, and cleared his throat. "Ahem," He clinked his glass, "I'm sure we're all honored by Padfoot's presence, and I'm so pleased all four houses have turned up. We've got Slytherins, Ravenclaws, Hufflepuffs, and Gryffindors all together, and to celebrate, I thought we'd have a little game."

"But we're already playing Exploding Snap with undiluted Firewhiskey," whined a Gryffindor from the back, "It's a game of daring and high stakes. Winner walks with their lives," The Gryffindor pressed on, taking off his shirt to dab at his forehead.

"_We've_ got a rousing game of wizard's chess," A few Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs boomed from the other side, clearly reluctant to play with the thrill-seeking Gryffindors.

Sirius rolled his eyes, "This isn't what I had in mind, Moony, when you said this party would be fun."

"What _did_ you have in mind then?" James asked curiously.

"Various drinking games with point systems where all the girls take their kit off slowly or have a jelly wrestling contest," Sirius said simply and the boys cheered.

"Black, you disgust me! I can't make my mind up if you're a chauvinist or a misogynist!" Emmeline said, ducked from under his arm and scowled at him.

"Whichever one means the Adonis to every woman's fantasy, love," Sirius said coolly.

Remus cleared his throat again, "Disappointing, Padfoot, really disappointing. Never mind him, we're going to be playing a simple game of truth or dare, and whichever house wins gets … James' invisibility cloak."

James barked, "Oi, no fair!"

Everyone looked interested and sat on cushions around Remus. He pulled out a worn looking hat, and a even older looking wand. "Simple. I ask a question from this hat and whoever the wand points to must answer truthfully - or take a shot if lying. The wand that's pointing at you will turn green if you're telling the truth, or red if you're not. And remember, we ask only questions from the hat and one question only."

With nobody noticing, Remus winked at a house-elf, who began pouring a vial of something into every glass and cup all the while being invisible. Remus sent the wand spinning, which slowed and sped up till it landed on each person.

The game began very hesitantly. The first one to get a question was Rita.

"Who do you fancy?" Remus asked .

"James, of course," Rita said, and kissed James on the cheek.

The wand glowed bright red, and Remus shook his head, "You're lying."

She gasped, and downed a shot of Firewhiskey. James looked at her curiously.

"All right," James said, "I have a question. Who here in this room wants to shag me _right_ now?"

Sirius choked on his drink, and looked around, his hand trembling.

Slowly, Rita Skeeter, Marlene McKinnon, Teddy Tobias, Oliver Scamander, Sasha Avery, Tatty Harold, Alicia Fenwick, Bertha Jorkins, Susan Dearborn, Alecto Carrow, a sinister looking Slytherin, and Bellatrix Black reluctantly raised their hands, looking shamefaced.

James took a swig of his drink, smirking, "Good to know."

"This is fun!" Sirius cried excitedly, bouncing up and down, "Show of hands, Who here wants to shag _me_?"

A thunderous noise erupted as every hand in the room went up flying. Peter hesitantly raised up both hands to beat the competition. Remus upped Peter by lifting up his feet, and then proceeded to look horrified. Dorcas became the shade of a ripe tomato as her hand tried to stretch to the ceiling. Emmeline was looking at Sirius like a very, very hungry wolf. Snape flashed a shy, toothy grin at Sirius shyly from beneath a curtain of hair - it was his way of flirting.

A little afraid at all the lecherous looks going his way, Sirius made a face, cowering, "Merlin, I'm sorry I asked."

"NOOOOOO!" Rodolphus Lestrange suddenly screamed from the back, and everyone turned to look at him. Lestrange was madly clutching his hair, looking down at his girlfriend Bellatrix, who was giving Sirius a sexy hair toss. Lestrange screamed again, before running out the room, "But he's your COUSIN!"

Everyone cringed, eager to move on to the next question. Most everyone was asked, and most everyone began to lie, so they took a shot. After their first lie, every person had taken a shot of Veritaserum, and the only people who knew about it were Remus, Frank, and Peter. The next round began, and Sirius took turns asking the questions. The wand pointed at Snape.

Sirius quickly reached over for the hat, and pulled out a question. " All right, Snivelly, tell us a secret that nobody in this room knows. Something wicked about a person here and you. And remember, no lying. Penalty is death." He added for effect.

Not realizing he'd drunk from his glass spiked with Veritaserum, Snape began, "Er .. Nott sleeps in girly underpants."

As everyone burst into laughter, the wand turned green. But Sirius shook his head, "No, tell us something _wicked_."

Snape looked away, but the words tumbled out of his mouth, "I gave … Potter … a Hate Serum for Evans." He gasped, covered his mouth, looking shocked that he had admitted it.

"WHAT?" The Marauders yelled together, and Remus had to hold James back from punching Snape in the face.

"I knew it! Why would I call Evans such awful names?" James spat, "What else do you want me to do, Snape, besides sabotage everything I have ever tried to make with Evans?"

Snape growled, honestly barking, "I want you to ... CHOKE ON YOUR OWN VOMIT, POTTER!"

James was about to take a swing at Snape, but Sirius stopped him.

"Okay, forget it James. Let's get back to the game. Amos Diggory, you're turn," Frank said casually, pulling out a question then tossing it aside. "Who were you snogging last week behind the one-eyed witch ... You know, when I ran into you?" He looked expectantly at Amos, who blushed.

"Er … it was Teddy Tobias," Amos mumbled, "But he - he - came on to me!"

"So you're gay?" Frank asked, knowing the answer.

"YES! I am! I love Ted! Sorry Lily, but I just can't do this -" Amos said to Lily apologetically.

James suddenly burst into laughter, pointing at Lily and Amos, who scowled at him.

"And what is so amusing, Potter?" Lily asked, snatching the hat and pointing the wand at him, "Why don't we ask the great James Potter a question" She pretended to think, "Are you using Skeeter to make me jealous?"

James squirmed, "So what if I am?"

"Do you still like me?" She continued pressing James, as Remus tried to remind her of the rules of the one-question only policy.

"Yes! I still like you! Despite the Hate Serum, and everything else, I still like you! I can't stand to yell at you, and I can't bear hurting you!" James yelled at her, but his eyes were glassy. She almost broke into a smile, but James snarled angrily at himself.

James roared across the room, "And I know something is wrong here because we're all confessing to things we would lie about! I wouldn't tell you this, Evans, not in a million years! Something's fishy!"

"For the first time in my life, Potter, I agree with you," Snape said, standing up, "I believe someone's spiked our drinks with Veritaserum." He looked pointedly at Sirius, "And the penalty for using that potion in unauthorized government uses is_ Azkaban_."

"I didn't do it!" Sirius said, standing up to tower over Snape.

"Who did?" Snape asked, looking around the room, expecting the truth serum to reveal the culprit.

Remus, Frank, and Peter couldn't help but pass each other knowing glances, since they were the only ones beside the house-elves who weren't drunk with truth serum. They could lie and still get away with it.

"You do realize this is illegal," Snape continued, "And the more we've been drinking it, the more we'll voluntarily give up secrets without being asked."

Everyone looked worried, but Rita looked positively spooked.

"You mean … because of my drinking … I'll tell everyone the truth voluntarily?" She asked suspiciously looking at her near empty bottle of Firewhiskey, "I … I … I love Sirius!"

"Tell us something we don't know!" Emmeline spat at her.

"All right," Rita replied to the rhetorical question, "I only agreed to go out with James so he'd get me box seats to the next World Quidditch Cup next year. And I've been stealing things from James' room since last week."

James covered his eyes, "Oh Merlin …"

Peter looked worried, "I … I … think I like Hestia Jones' body! I want it! I want it bad!"

Remus groaned quietly, "Wormtail, you thick-headed pillock!" Remus chastised under his breath, "You didn't have any veritaserum so shut up confessing!"

Peter looked relieved.

On the other side of the room, Snape was rounding up the Slytherins, "This is an obvious plot to overthrow the other houses by some _marauding_ Gryffindor. We'd all better leave now before we say anything else that could compromise us! Everyone, RUN, NOW!"

A mad scramble for the door ensued, and the drunken students stumbled into each other, pushing each other out of the way. As people rushed past James, he walked over to Lily, who was leaving with her friends.

"Wait," James said in a strong voice, holding on to Lily's arm, "Just one question, Evans. Just one."

She stopped, looking into his glassy passionate eyes, and nodded mutely.

"Did you ever ... just once ... in your entire life ever like me?" He asked earnestly.

Someone pushed past her, making her stumble. He helped her up to her feet. She looked up at him again.

"Yes," she paused, "I did. A long time ago."

* * *


End file.
